Dykes on Bikes Race to Parent Palin Offspring

Dykes on Bikes Race to Parent Palin Offspring

Chauncey Roberts                                                                                Copyright 2015                                                                  

        Okay, Dykes on Bikes, start your engines!

        The first lesbian to reach the rainbow-colored White House will get chance to fight with Bristol Palin, possibly marry her, and also parent her next unplanned baby!

        The second place winner will get a one minute speech from Chelsea Clinton valued at $6,500.

        Third place offers a night with Caitlyn, previously Bruce Jenner

        And the fourth place winner will accompany Sarah Palin to the Betcha by Golly Wow Music Awards, singing “You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for forever.”

        Oh!  Here is Vice President Dick Cheney!  Mr. Vice President, are you here to cheer on your daughter in the Dykes on Bikes America Race?

        “I support my daughter in her endeavors but prefer to be remembered for waterboarding and torture,” responds Cheney grimly.  “Trampling on international rule of law and Geneva Conventions is so much more thrilling than this abominable business of the Supreme Court overstepping its bounds.”

        As the Dykes on Bikes make their way through Iowa they encounter presidential candidate Donald Trump.

       “I think the White House should stay white!” exclaims the Donald.  “It’s always been white.  Somebody should be fired.  Do the Obamas have no shame?  I want to restore America to her true colors:  red white and blue, Uncle Sam, apple pie and Aunt Jemima.”

        But Donald!  Do you think the Koch Brothers, Rush Windbag, Fox News and you can turn back the clock?  Restore America to her time of Innocence?

        “It doesn’t matter,” quips the Donald.  “As long as we have Citizens United and Wall Street Banksters, who cares what these Dykes on Bikes do?  I can kick Bernie Sanders’ ass back to Burlington, Vermont.  Have you not seen my pompadour punch?”

        As the Dykes on Bikes wind their way through Chicago, will Oprah come out on her bike in support?  No, she is shaking her head, Cheshire cat eyes half-closed.

        On to West Virginia!  Where Senator Shelly Moore Capito is marching against the Supreme Court gay marriage ruling.  Senator Capito!  Is there any way the Dykes on Bikes presence here can reverse your longstanding opposition to gay marriage?  WHOOPS!  Senator Capito seems to have been clobbered by a pair of aggressive female golfers from the Greenbrier Hotel!  And away she goes, swept aside by flooding of the climate change she says does not exist.

        Now it’s on to Harpers Ferry!  John Brown’s raid, and history!

        Ellen DeGeneres is in first place!  Ellen, you’re in excellent shape!

        “Indeed I am!” shouts the comedienne as she rounds a corner with blue-haired old pussies coming from the Methodist Church.

        But are you in such a rush to fight Bristol Palin, marry her and parent her unplanned baby?

        “Not at all.  I have my eyes set on Chelsea Clinton.  I could easily be the first dyke president.  Deftly outmaneuvering the Donald and the Koch Brothers, I’m on the last leg of my journey.  Down with the Washington Monument and phallic symbols!  Come on, girls!”